High Times At Tesla

Dylan Walker
Feb 2
7 min read

Guess what happens when you mix LSD, cocaine, and ketamine with running trillion-dollar companies? Just ask Captain Elmo himself, Elon Musk - he's apparently been conducting that experiment for years. At least that's what Wall Street Journal's latest bombshell suggests.

Here's a fun fact: The guy solely responsible for shuttling American astronauts to space might be higher than a Chinese spy balloon doing it. NASA's probably not thrilled about that. Neither are the sweating executives at Tesla and SpaceX, watching their fearless leader allegedly turn their boardrooms into a personal Burning Man festival - complete with LSD, cocaine, ecstasy, mushrooms, and ketamine.

Buckle up, folks. We're about to take a wild ride through this corporate circus. Picture this: billion-dollar government contracts hanging by a thread, Tesla's leadership doing damage control, and one very high-profile CEO who might be, well, just high. What could possibly go wrong?

Elon's Excellent Drug Adventures

Remember that awkward SpaceX meeting in 2017? Picture this: Our rocket genius stumbling through a presentation like a freshman at his first frat party. Poor Gwynne Shotwell had to swoop in and save the day while executives whispered about what their CEO might be smoking [5]. Spoiler alert: probably not just cigarettes [5].

The High Times Chronicles

Turns out that meeting was just the appetizer. Here's Elon's greatest hits:

2018: Dropped acid at an LA party. Because nothing says "responsible CEO" like tripping balls while running multiple companies [5]
2019: Munched magic mushrooms in Mexico. Cultural experience, right?
2021: Partied with brother Kimbal at Art Basel, allegedly turning Miami into their personal ketamine playground [5]

Musk's Drug Menu

The man's got quite the pharmaceutical portfolio:

LSD and cocaine for those fancy private shindigs
Ecstasy and shrooms for his worldwide tour
Ketamine, because why not?
That infamous Joe Rogan podcast joint that made NASA lose their minds [5]

Fun fact: These parties came with their own paranoid twist - sign an NDA or surrender your phone. Guess what happens at Elon's parties stays at Elon's parties [5].

The "It Wasn't Me" Defense

When confronted, Musk plays it cooler than a Tesla's air conditioning. NASA made him pee in cups for three years after the Rogan incident [2]. "Clean as a whistle," he claims [3]. His lawyer Alex Spiro backs him up - not a single failed test [2].

Oh, but that ketamine? Totally legit, folks. It's for depression [5]. Better than those "zombifying" regular antidepressants, he says [5]. When all else fails pull a Micheal Jackson and blame it on insomnia, depression, or that self-diagnosed bipolar disorder [2]. Because who needs sleep when you're saving humanity?

Tesla's Board: The World's Most Expensive Drug Babysitters

Tesla's board members are having the time of their lives - if by "time of their lives" you mean watching their CEO's alleged drug habits turn their cushy director jobs into a legal nightmare [4].

When Board Members Say No to the Party

Remember Linda Johnson-Rice? She bailed in 2019, apparently not thrilled about babysitting a CEO who treats board meetings like Woodstock [5]. But here's the kicker - some board members actually felt pressured to join Musk's chemical adventures. Nothing says "corporate governance" like peer pressure from your billionaire boss [6]. Between shared vacations and intertwined investments, these folks are stuck in history's most expensive toxic relationship.

Shareholders' Not-So-Happy Hour

Delaware's Court of Chancery just spilled some tea - shareholders are fuming about Tesla ignoring Musk's alleged drug menu of ketamine, LSD, and cocaine [7]. Those drug-fueled tweet storms? They're costing real money. The stock dropped faster than a raver's jaw - 9% in the morning, settling at a lovely 6% decline [8].

Rules Are for Other People

Tesla's rulebook is hilarious in hindsight:

Report unsafe behavior (unless it's the boss?)
No workplace drugs (wink, wink)
Keep those THC levels low (looking at you, Joe Rogan podcast) [8]

The board's trying to thread the needle between "responsible oversight" and "please don't tank our stock price" [5]. It's like watching a circus act where the tightrope walker is also juggling chainsaws.

Meanwhile, their insurance companies are having panic attacks [4]. But Musk? He's living his best life, tweeting: "Whatever I'm doing, I should obviously keep doing it!" [9]. Because nothing says "responsible leadership" like trolling your own board of directors with a bad logical fallacy.

SpaceX: When Getting High Meets High Security

Uncle Sam isn't laughing at Elon's recreational habits anymore. Those juicy government contracts worth $10 billion? They're looking shakier than one of his rocketes during reentry [10].

NASA's Not-So-Chill Drug Policy

NASA's drug testing program reads like a paranoid parent's wishlist:

Surprise drug tests! (surprise!)
"Random" screenings (wink)
The old "you look suspicious" test
Post-oopsie checkups
Rehab follow-ups [11]

Remember that puff heard 'round the world on Joe Rogan's show? NASA lost their minds. They launched a full-blown investigation faster than a Starship explosion, snooping around SpaceX facilities from California to Florida [12].

Uncle Sam's Trust Issues

SpaceX is sitting pretty on $5.32 billion worth of Defense contracts, including a fresh $70 million Pentagon deal [13]. But their internal compliance team is sweating bullets over some sketchy reporting since 2021 [10].

Now three federal agencies are playing detective. The Defense Department's Inspector General, Air Force, and Pentagon's intelligence office are all poking around [10]. It's like a government agency party, minus the fun.

The Clearance Comedy Show

Here's a joke: SpaceX's CEO can't enter his own classified facilities. The punchline? Over 400 employees have higher security clearance than their boss [14]. Musk's "top-secret" badge took years to get after that infamous joint [14], and now it's about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

SpaceX lawyers are playing it safer than a Tesla on autopilot. Between Musk's ketamine adventures and his Putin pen-pal status [15], they're terrified of losing what little clearance he has left [16].

The Air Force already showed him the door on higher clearance [10]. Now he can't even peek at his own company's spy satellite program [13]. Talk about a bad trip.

The Legal Hangover: When Drug Laws Meet Tech Bros

The Controlled Substances Act doesn't care if you're a billionaire with a rocket fetish. Laws are laws, and Musk's alleged pharmaceutical adventures are giving lawyers everywhere a collective migraine [17].

CEOs: Just Say No (No, Really)

Here's a wild concept: Companies taking government money can't turn their offices into Woodstock. The Drug-Free Workplace Act isn't kidding around [18]. State laws might let you smoke weed, but Uncle Sam's contracts don't care about your local dispensary's loyalty program. Directors must protect shareholders from their CEO's chemical tourism, or it's their necks on the line [19].

SEC: The Original Party Poopers

The SEC loves nothing more than ruining an executive's good time. Just ask that CEO who got busted for spicy social media posts [20]. Their fun-killing rulebook includes:

No fibbing about money (even when high)
Tell everyone everything (except what happens in Miami)
Watch those tweets (looking at you, Elon)
Keep those board meetings documented (minus the after-parties)

When The Law Comes Knocking

The Justice Department collects CEOs like Pokemon cards [21]. Some corporate bigwigs are enjoying 10-20 year all-inclusive prison stays for their creative decision-making [1]. These days, they're hunting both suited executives and their corporate empires - because sometimes you need to punish the whole frat house [1].

Boards aren't legally required to play drug detective [18]. But when the CEO's recreational activities start making headlines, they can't exactly plug their ears and hum [18].

SpaceX's $14 billion government contract stash comes with some awkward fine print about drugs [18]. Meanwhile, a Ukrainian group is trying to kill SpaceX's FCC license because apparently Musk's alleged substance menu matters [22]. Plot twist: Sometimes your enemies read the news too.

Tesla's Leadership: A Bad Trip Getting Worse

Picture a corporate board playing hot potato with a CEO who might be higher than giraffe pussy. Tesla's leadership saga reads like a Silicon Valley thriller gone wrong, complete with nervous shareholders and directors reaching for antacids [23].

Who's Next in Line? (Anyone? Hello?)

Tesla's board is scrambling like teenagers hiding evidence before their parents get home. Their succession planning? About as solid as a chocolate teapot. When Linda Johnson Rice jumped ship, she didn't just leave - she fled from Musk's alleged substance-fueled chaos [18].

The kicker? Tesla's longest-serving directors are Musk himself and his brother Kimbal, both camping out since 2004 [24]. Nothing says "independent oversight" like keeping it all in the family.

Money Talks, Investors Walk

Wall Street's getting twitchy. Big-money investors are treating Tesla like that friend who keeps asking to "borrow" cash [25]. The stock price bounces around like a ping pong ball in a hurricane whenever new drug allegations surface [25].

Ross Gerber, a Tesla true believer, admits these drug rumors are scaring away institutional investors faster than rats from a sinking ship [25]. Meanwhile, class-action lawyers circle like vultures, connecting chemical dots to executive decisions [23].

Fix This Mess (Please)

The governance experts' wishlist reads like an intervention plan:

Get directors who don't vacation with Musk
Actually watch what the CEO does
Figure out who takes the wheel when Elon's... indisposed
Maybe some risk management? Just a thought

The board needs to grow a spine [25]. A Delaware judge just pantsed them over Musk's pay package [26], and shareholders are sharpening their pitchforks.

Tesla's trying, bless their hearts:

New "independent" committee to babysit communications [27]
Social media chaperones for senior executives [27]
Hired a lawyer to translate tweet-to-English [27]

The board's juggling act gets better - try protecting shareholder interests while your CEO's allegedly sharing joints with directors [56,57]. It's like asking your drinking buddy to be your AA sponsor.

The finale? Proxy advisers are giving long-term directors the side-eye, especially when everyone's using Tesla stock as their personal piggy bank [24]. Time to sober up or ship out.

The Final Trip: Tesla's Wild Ride Hits Reality

Turns out mixing rocket science with recreational pharmaceuticals isn't great for business. Who knew? Elon's alleged chemical adventures have turned his trillion-dollar empire into the world's most expensive game of Jenga - one wrong move and everything tumbles.

SpaceX's government sugar daddy is getting cold feet. NASA and the Pentagon aren't exactly thrilled about their space program sharing a CEO with what sounds like a Burning Man afterparty. Meanwhile, Tesla's shareholders are screaming for adult supervision and a Plan B that doesn't involve their stock prices matching Musk's alleged highs and lows.

Here's the sobering reality: These boards need to either grow some teeth or watch their companies become Silicon Valley's biggest cautionary tale. The tech world's watching - probably with popcorn - to see if anyone can actually put a leash on a billionaire's alleged pharmaceutical tourism. Good luck with that.